The “Gayborhood” of Philadelphia is a dog park. A four block radius of men-eating animals that’ll rip out your throat with car crash eyes and gym swollen bellies. If you’re looking for true love, just stop.
Gays and dogs are extremely territorial. Every dog has been pissed on by every other dog, saying, “I had that, I urinated on it, I’ve marked my territory. Whats next?”. Here are a list of places dogs go to get piss drunk and pissed on.
The Golden Retrievers and Greyhounds tend to lap up cute boy pups outside of Knock, pondering the “good old days” and crossing fingers for tighter butt holes to lick. Failing to acknowledge the fact that dogs of younger generations haven’t necessarily seen “The Birdcage”. Accidentally, but consistently using age as a crutch to comfort themselves through midlife crisis. They are handsome dogs, misunderstanding the facts that every family dog grows with age, and every young boy needs a companion until they get to college.
Around the corner, at The Bike Stop, you can pick up you’re average Bulldogs and Pitbulls, where the more animalistic instincts come into play. Disregarding the average dislike of excessive chest hair. Sipping Miller Light from cans as well as urine from open palms. Studded collars. Leather leashes. These are rough and tough pups, throwing heads out of moving vehicles just to feel a nice, hard slap of wind against their face and throughout open mouths.
Q Lounge was the dog pound that closed down.
At Tabu you’ll find the Chihauhaus that think their Rottweilers. Beer towers. Backwards ball caps. The boys that can enjoy the game, but yip and yap with excitement when the new Britney song pops up on the electric jukebox. What you think you get is a nice, thick animal that likes to play rough. What you actually get is a tiny mutt that just wants to cuddle.
The younger pups that still have their balls and use them too often only get walked once a week. Mostly found at Woodys and iCandy. They appear to be the hot gay bars of the hot gay scene, but are really just puppy mills. There are these wonderful barns in New Jersey that have every puppy imaginable in big bins. You walk through. Pet and touch. Pick out your favorites from afar. Can’t make it to Jersey? Try “college” night.
12th Coffee, the new Brew HaHa, is an impressive coffee shop. Being that it not only has canines that have evolved enough to enjoy the taste of coffee, but these dogs have also develop opposable thumbs. Enabling them to access the Internet, posting most of the ”Men Seeking Men” ads on Craigslist. Example: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/m4m/2475445665.html True Love. Nothing says ” I love you” more than a forty-four year old man looking to “get my mouth fucked and swallow your load.”
Tavern on Camac has the white dogs. Muts. Most likely to shed all over your house and drunkenly howl to the sweet tunes of Sinatra and Elton John.
Around the corner is Valanni. A mixed crowd. Dalmatians if you want to get literal. But more like well-kept Poodles, sipping on shots of Stoli and dirty martinis. Spending the same amount of money grooming themselves as they do on the their nightly bill. A fourteen dollar burger vs. a fourteen dollar manicure. Be prepared to bark at the top of your lungs from midnight till two in the morning. The dance floor may be a joke, but the DJs certainly aren’t. And yeah, the music is loud, but by you’re fifth shot of Stoli, you won’t be able to tell a dog whistle from Mariah Carey’s high notes. Guaranteed.
The strays and rescues turn the town over by two in the morning. The perfect opportunity for quick dogsits and drug deals, with a side of animal cruelty. More than half the time you won’t be able to tell if you’re among cats or dogs. (Hint: the paws usually give it away) Dogs in dresses. Dogs on catnip. Trick dogs that’ll keep you entertained while your wife is out of town. By this point in the night, the gay boys turn to sheep dogs, rallying up forces and fag hags to trickle out of bars and hit the big leagues.
Voyeur is a dog park inside of a dog park. The moment you let your dog off the leash, there’s a distinct intoxicated excitement that arouses. Automatic butt sniffing, playful nips on ears, mandatory bathroom breaks, humps for days. The dog you thought you knew is making out with the dog you knew a month before and the dog you noticed two months prior comes up and licks your hand while an out-of-town dog growls with disgust and asks if you live close by. (Note: When you’re doorman starts giving you a specific looks and muttering your name under his breath, you should probably start paying attention to the fact that your apartment complex doesn’t allow animals and you shouldn’t try to sneak stray dogs into your building every other night.)
Nearly every dog in this big gay park has had flees, ticks, herpes, tape worms, ring worms, chlamydia, foaming from the mouth and other places, gonorrhea, rabies, and other unfortunate conditions. If concerned see: http://mazzonicenter.org/ or http://philadelphia.citysearch.com/profile/8985373/philadelphia_pa/philadelphia_animal_hospital.html It’s a shame they don’t have Frontline for the Hiv. Best believe that if you’re messin’ around in a dog park, you’re going to get dirty, and you’re going to need to shower if not take a trip to the vet. (Note: Invest in a handful of flee collars. You won’t be able to bite yourself in the ass when hump every dog in the park.)
With that, it may be a little more understandable as to why I picked up my next dog in New York City. A larger park. A little more freedom to run around. Stay tuned for next week. “Woof”